Less ‘But,’ more ‘And’

A while ago, a friend asked me what I would feel if someone I knew cheated on his wife, and before knowing this truth, he seemed to be a very kind person and had always treated me well.

Last month, another friend asked me if I thought Warren Buffett was respectful.

Well, I love hypothetical questions because that is where my mind can go wild, but at the same time, I am also lazy to answer hypothetical questions because… yes, they are hypothetical, they are not happening!

And I also loved the Warren Buffett question because it was soooo unexpected.

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Fast forward, something real happened, and suddenly it was no longer hypothetical. That made me think. Hard.

I am still struggling to make sense of things, to separate what people do to other people from what people do to me. In life, I tend to first look at the connection between me and the person before looking at their complicated relationships with everyone else, unless their network is also mine.

I also tend to feel “something” only if I know a person personally. Except for some fangirl moments, I do not really idolize anyone, because I know humans are messy.

That is why, when I was asked whether I found Buffett respectful, I froze. I did not have an answer at all. Finally, I said that I love his investment principles—the very long-term thinking, the consideration, and I also like that he is funny sometimes too. But respectful or not, I think I need to know him in person.

Am I complicating things? I do not know.

And then there was the other question.

On one side, it is purely about morality, and on the other side, it is deeply personal. If someone is kind to me but does something bad to someone else, how should I see that person?

And honestly, I still do not fully know how to answer it.

But this morning, I had a eureka bathroom moment where I thought,

“What about don’t fall in love with a person, learn to fall in love with the truths instead,”

and somehow this sentence helped me connect something I have been struggling with for years, which is the question of whether loving someone means I also have to love the parts I do not like about that person.

Not necessarily, right?

But then the person can argue, “No one is perfect, so if you do not like that part of me, it means you do not accept me or love me.”

And this is where things get messy. So maybe my new solution is this: fall in love with the truths.

If I learn to fall in love with the truths, I do not need to argue with them anymore. It saves me time, obviously, and if I argue with the truths, I already know the outcome—I will lose.

So, if someone I know, someone who cares about me, did something that can be considered bad, like cheating on his wife, what should I do?

Maybe I should simply look at the truths, and the truths are that he is kind to me AND he cheats.

Full stop.

So I can be kind to him AND I can tell him that he cheats.

Full stop.

One truth does not erase the other. His kindness to me does not erase what he did to someone else, and what he did to someone else does not automatically erase every kind thing he has done for me.

Right???

This is probably why I want to practice using “AND” more often instead of “BUT.”

Not: “He is kind to me, but he cheats.”

Because somehow, “but” makes one truth fight with the other.

Instead: “He is kind to me, and he cheats.”

Now both truths are standing there, side by side, with no fighting, no excuses, no pretending, just truth.

As someone who loves investigating things and asking why, why, why, this is going to be a new skill that I need time to master, because my brain always wants to explain.

Why did he do it? Was he unhappy? Was it a mistake? Is he still a good person? Is he a bad person? Should I still care? Should I step away? Should I judge? Should I forgive?

And maybe some of these questions matter, but maybe before asking all of that, I need to first learn how to see the truths clearly, without rushing to defend, condemn, and make the person fit into one clean box.

Because humans are not clean boxes. Humans are messy… unfortunately AND fortunately.

And maybe loving someone does not mean loving everything about them. Maybe loving someone means being brave enough to see the truths, the beautiful ones, the ugly ones, the confusing ones, and still deciding, truth by truth, what to do next.

Well, this blog is a messy one because I am writing while my thoughts are still developing along the way too.

But for now, this is what I want to practice:

Less “but.”

More “and.”

And maybe, slowly, learn to fall in love with the truths…